Sometimes I feel stuck. I feel almost paralyzed, like I can’t move, can’t do anything. I feel depressed, angry, irritable, sad like there’s no point in going on. I ask myself things like; “why bother”? I tell myself things like; “It’s useless” and “My family would be better off without me”. Sometimes certain stressful life-events may prompt this, other times it may be a series of triggers or negative interactions with people.
Trauma anniversaries are always difficult, and yet oftentimes there is no explanation. I just feel bad. I know, from my own experience, that I will feel better after an intense workout, but any thought of going anywhere, much less going to a gym is completely out of the realm of possibility. 1 day goes by, then 2, then 3…Still at home, not at work or anywhere, personal hygiene is non-existent. My hopeless feelings overwhelm, the intrusive memories and thoughts continue to pile up. I am now in a “danger zone”. It’s dangerous because terrible things can happen.
The suicidal thoughts are there, along with the urge drink alcohol and the chances of these and other self-destructive behaviors greatly increase. I’m already angry so I will use that to my advantage, like a launching mechanism. I plow through getting dressed and get lucky. Like somehow God intervened, and the next the thing I know I’m doing a set of hamstring curls at the gym.
As soon as that first muscular contraction happens, things begin to feel better, and I feel relieved because I just survived again. I am now in the “safe zone” and I’m going to be ok. The simple fact that I was able to make it to the gym, saved me. Sometimes, if I start feeling good and I raise the intensity level during cardio and even during a weightlifting set requiring intense muscular contractions, I’ll allow some of those intrusive thoughts and memories to enter my mind.
After a good 2-hour workout which includes 30-40 minutes of cardiovascular exercise, I am in paradise for the next several hours and will have a good week or so of consistent workouts. And at some point, during that 2 hours plus workout, I beat myself up because I let it get that bad. “Why didn’t I somehow find a way to get to the gym sooner”? “Why and how did I let the days pile up”? Then I vow never to let that happen again. But I know it will. And I’ll have to rely on God again.
Those are some dark times you share here it sounds like. You really get that much out of working out? Maybe I should try..Thanks for posting this.
Thanks, Robert and yes, intense exercise and weightlifting definitely helps me and many many others. I continue to try and learn and find other ways to become physically and mentally healthier. Thanks for commenting.
Love, SBF